Location:
Louisville, KY
Lesson:
Sometimes you have to sit in it before you act or Be Present
Teacher:
Glenn
Back Story:
I’ve known Glenn for 7 or 8 years now. I worked with him when I was still pretending
I could manage my addiction and my career. Neither was accurate, of course. But
I am learning that the experiences I had while deep in my addiction are not
delegitimized or lessened BECAUSE of my addiction. There were some rich,
wonderful moments despite my disease and self-destructive, self-loathing
behavior that accompanied it. The
project I worked on with Glenn was one of those moments. Glenn is a former
military guy. Infantry. He served our country and came home carrying his
experience with him. More than his military experience, Glenn is a kind,
generous and loyal friend. And that’s really the part that matters.
We had not seen each other since an, especially horrendous
night in NYC at a gala at the Plaza Hotel. The night wasn’t horrendous. He
wasn’t horrendous. My disease was and I had begun feeding it every single thing
it screamed for and demanded of me. I am certain my loud, screaming
inappropriate behavior was less than appealing for any friend to witness and I
have always carried shame about that. Over the years, though, we’ve stayed in
touch via Facebook and he said to me once, in the middle of the worst of my hell, “I’ve got your six”. Not sure if he knew it –
but that kept me sober that day and I cried for a very long time. Mostly
because he was present and he was a friend that didn’t leave.
When I stopped to see Glenn, we settled quickly into our
friendship and as I breathed a sigh of relief and let go of some shame, we
caught up with life. I discovered Glenn has a dream. It’s a good damn dream. Glenn wants to use
his passion to change the world (BIG picture climate and clean earth) by
building a sustainable business or nonprofit local (helping one person at a
time). I won’t share the details since
it’s his story, but even the skeptic that I am when it comes to starting new
nonprofits/businesses sees the potential in this one.
Dawning:
My lesson came from our conversations about what he’s
planning next. I am always full of a sense of urgency, a need to move, jump,
leap or GO. I’ve always
been this way, but in recovery, I find it especially so. It's as though I am afraid that if I slow down at ALL, I will lose. No idea what the loss would be, it's an irrational fear. I had turned urgency into running and didn't see it happen. I had not realized I was carrying that panic like urgency into every aspect of my life. And with it, the fear.
Immediately after Glenn mentioned his dream to me - I was asking him a million questions like: “do you have a
business plan?”, “what’s next?”, “have
you looked into starting the 501c3?”, “who are you serving?”, “what’s your
elevator pitch?”, “what’s your reason for people to give?” and on and on. My "sense of urgency" taking over and I was going to move this forward no matter if he wanted it or not.
We
were riding around in his ancient amazing jeep with the top off, heat blasting
and touring Louisville. And he wasn’t answering. So, I looked up and realized
we’d been speeding through the most amazing architecture and were entering a
park that was full of green rolling hills and the smells of southern woods. I had noticed nothing. I was so busy
doing what I do that I wasn’t present. I almost missed this moment with my
friend. From the drive, we went to throw axes. If there is ever a sport you
need to stop, breathe and stay present, it’s slinging an ax over your head and
flinging full force to a target in front of you. Took me about 20 throws to
slow down enough to breathe through it. But, when I did….I hit the bullseye.
I know Glenn will follow his vision and dream on his own
time. I believe in his ability to do this and I believe in his ability to move
at a pace that makes sense to him so he builds this right the first time. I believe I need to see that in myself as
well….
In some cases, that sense of urgency is a good thing. It gets things done, allows me to help clients (both nonprofits and people) move from “stuck”. I don’t dislike that part of myself, but my time with Glenn helped me see that I no longer need to fear it.
This day in the chilly wind, ancient jeep and beautiful
scenery, that lesson dropped. My sense of urgency was/can simply be another way
of running from the present. From the here and now. From the place that is gone
the instant it arrives. What good is the other side of anything for me if I did not
breathe into every moment getting there?
Thank you Glenn. Be present. Take my time. Seek the path
that keeps me present even if that means confronting my fears to do so.
You’re amazing and I’ll ALWAYS have your six.
#roadtrip #backroads #journeytoeverywhere #lifelessons #warrior #veteran #friend #bepresent #recovery #lifejourney #selfseeking #findyourvoice #beyourvoice #bepresent #remembersilence #rememberstillness #yesand #recoveryposse #wedorecover #growth
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